Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o’erwrought heart and bids break – Shakespeare
Most people experience loss at some point in their lives … loss of a loved one to death, a relationship, a home, a job, one’s health, one’s dreams, or even one’s sense of direction, identity or belonging in the world. Recently Covid-19 has forced many of us to experience, or bear witness to, a great deal of loss. Grief is a normal and healthy reaction to any type of loss, yet it can be painful and confusing. This article aims to provide some basic information about grief, and some suggestions on how to deal with your own or someone else’s loss and resultant grief. For the purpose of this article, the loss I will focus on is the death of a loved one.
Grief can manifest physically, emotionally and/or spiritually, depending on the person grieving, and the extent of the attachment to the person now lost. The loss is often more than a person; it includes the expectations and dreams of everything linked to that person. So, one could say that loss occurs when there is a discontinuation of an expectation, and one’s grief strongly relates to how much of oneself was invested in those expectations and dreams. It is said that people experience grief in stages, for example, Kubler Ross describes five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Others refer to certain ‘tasks’ of grieving. Tasks offer a more empowering way for people to deal with their feelings, as they suggest that one can do something about one’s pain. Dr Warden, a well-known psychologist, came up with four tasks of mourning which I will use as a framework to indicate how grief can be processed. However, it is important to remember that grieving is unique to everyone, and grief is fluid, so you or the person you are supporting may experience stages and work through tasks at different times, and in different ways, if at all.
The first task is to accept the reality of the loss, which can take time and requires emotional and intellectual acceptance. It is important to talk about the loss. Talk to someone you feel comfortable with and trust. Talk about it to yourself, in your mind, or write it down, as many times as you need to. Ask yourself questions such as: Where did the loss occur? How did it happen? Who told me about it? Where was I when I heard? These questions could help you accept the reality of the loss.
The second task is to process the pain of the grief. As explained earlier, grief can be physically, emotionally and/or spiritually painful. You may feel anxious, angry, guilty, helpless, and alone, in addition to the raw pain you feel. Some people try to escape this pain by resorting to substance abuse, overeating, over-exercising, or taking on more work to distract them from the pain. Unfortunately, these distractions merely prolong the grieving process. So it is helpful to become aware of and acknowledge the feelings and emotions that you are experiencing; to accept that it is ‘ok to not be ok’, and to remember that what you are feeling is a healthy reaction to a loss.
The third task is to adjust to a world without the deceased. Loss can destroy hope, and one’s sense of purpose and meaning. It can affect our everyday functioning, our sense of self and view of the world. You may need to adapt to new roles and potentially a new environment, but it is also important to avoid any huge life-changing decisions in this period of vulnerability. During this time of adjustment, it is vital to accept help, yet at the same time to keep doing the things you can do. You may also need to learn new things, so try to celebrate lessons learnt, and small victories achieved. This will help you to regain some control in your life.
The fourth task is to find a way to remember the deceased while continuing to function in one’s life. You may have lost a person, but you have not lost your memories with them, and the influence they had on your life. You carry those gifts within you. We do not ‘get over’ someone we have lost, but we can find a way of remembering them without their memory paralyzing us. It is possible and useful to find meaningful ways of remembering our loved ones, for example, by visiting their gravesite, or keeping a scrap book of memories, or by embracing a particular activity enjoyed with them when they were still physically present.
Time will ease the grief, but it is helpful to anticipate and prepare for days that will be more challenging (e.g., first anniversary of the death and holidays). Seek medical or psychological assistance if needed.
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