Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, others over self. – Dean Jackson
So often we underestimate that the way we communicate (or do not communicate) determines the outcome of an interaction, situation, the quality of a relationship, and the success of a service, project, or organisation. Effective communication is a key ingredient of good relationships, and truly listening to another is one of the most fundamental communication skills in life. Effective listening can result in deeper connections, trust, unity, better understanding, forward action, productivity, better teamwork, better organisational morale, and greater personal and professional satisfaction.
We do not listen effectively because of habits we develop over time, and because we are generally not taught the skill of listening. The habits we develop which become barriers to effective listening include being distracted (by our physical environment or our thoughts), making what the speaker is saying about us rather than them, judging the speaker or the discussion topic, making assumptions about what the speaker is going to say next, preparing what we say before the speaker is finished talking, and not making the effort to listen through the lens of the speaker (acknowledging that his/her context may differ from ours).
Effective listening is more than about physically hearing the other person. It is a process that requires the listener’s full attention, interest, and open mind. It requires an attitude of respect and an appreciation for different views. So how can we learn to listen better? We can start by recognising what habits we have developed that are blocking effective listening. Then, we can practice the skill of listening – because, like every skill, we need to practice it to acquire and perfect it. Below are some suggestions on how to improve our listening skills.
Make a choice to listen. This is a crucial first step – we have the power to choose if we listen or if we speak.
Show respect for the other by making the time to listen and by being ‘present’ to them through optimal attention.
Show attention non-verbally by expressing open body language. Facing the speaker, having our arms uncrossed and hips and shoulders squared, and maintaining eye contact, can make the speaker feel that we are fully present. Nodding our head occasionally and using other subtle facial expressions also shows attention.
Show interest by being curious. Be hungry to learn and grow from what people say.
Be patient. Allow the person to finish talking before providing a response.
Catch wondering thoughts by focusing on listening to the words and content of what is being said.
Acknowledge what the person has said by responding in a way that reflects understanding. This can be done for example by saying “What I am hearing you say is that…”
Do not be afraid to ask questions to clarify what is being said if unsure. People generally respect the fact that we are wanting to understand even if we make mistakes along the way.
Strive to have an open mind. This requires us to accept that our views, beliefs, and values may differ from others’, and that the truth of another is no less important than what we believe the truth to be.
Listen to what is not being said. By observing body language of the speaker, we are also hearing their message.
Do not try to” fix it”. Many people merely need to be listened to and heard. Having someone trying to ‘fix’ things often diminishes the other person’s experience.
Be open to feedback. Do not be discouraged by feedback that suggests poor listening as it is an opportunity to enhance skills to improve relationships. Feedback can be a gift.
Do not give up! Remember that the skill of listening is one of the most valuable life skills you could ever have.
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